There are moments in our life where a small gesture, a word, a simple smile can put us off our course. When we need to relook at the way we hold onto our armour, how we push away for fear of broken hearts and the sting of rejection, how we admit defeat and realize that our hearts can only be kept so close to ourselves and sometimes someone comes along and without our approval pushes past all those barriers and ends up getting too close.
Do we cut and run? Do we give up because all those little insecurities start pouring out of our carefully preserved facade and somehow we need to ask the questions. Are you ready to let yourself fall a little, to take a chance, to let someone in again? Or do we shut ourselves off and deny ourselves, purely because we are scared that the cards will all come tumbling down again?
I have spent the last 5 years alone, dating one man and then another. I have had lovers, but never let them get far enough under my skin that I couldn't walk away, have met men I could have fallen far if I had only put myself out there just that little bit, allowed myself to get emotionally invested in the man who was already committed to someone else and therefore never completely available, took pleasure in bodies and walked away without a backward glance.
Sometimes I cannot always see past all the layers I put up and it is the women closest to me who keep me in check, who remind me on a daily basis of all that is good and whole in me. The last few months have been a journey that began on days when I did not want to get out of bed, when self loathing drove me and a fear of never being good enough kept me from ever being able to look in a mirror until I just couldn't take it anymore, I knew things needed to change. Sometimes someone needs to be brutally honest, and sometimes you have to be brutally honest back with yourself. You need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself for who you are. and slowly you begin to build yourself back up, find your way back into your body and feel yourself in your skin. Know that you have so much to give as long as you are willing to open yourself up to all these possibilities.
Out of the woodwork then come all your ghosts, your fears and your trials. You make the choice to fight or to give in and take the simpler road of misery. It's been a struggle, confidence is not always without its ying yang balance and all those insecurities still sit there, they just have lost their voices.
Until now. When one night you look over and realise just how close to your heart he has found himself, that for all your pushing and simple statements of not wanting to be anything more than friends and lovers, you never really kept those layers up because for some reason you let him get closer to you than anyone has been in a long time. You let him see past all the layers and get a good long look at who you really are.
So do you let him in? Or do you let history repeat itself, choose the simple path and cut and run?
