Thursday, December 28, 2006

Los Angeles or bust...

I'm off to Los Angeles for the next few days, and am looking forward to catching up on all the chatterings and gossip and all your lovely news on my return.

Wishing you all a safe, and joyous and excitingly divinely creatively charasmatically superbly fabulous New Year...

With love,


Thursday, December 21, 2006

It's beginning to feel alot like...

My beautiful friend Lulu arrives tonight.

The last time we saw each other was at the airport before I boarded the plane to start new, with tear stained faces and the last renmants of laughter. Saying goodbye to an old life and hello to a new one. I cannot wait to see her smile, and hear her laughter.

Yesterday she laughed down the phone, said "We could have had a baby in all that time!"
It is almost like coming full circle, seeing who we were then and seeing where we have come in just a few short months, where the last 9 months have slipped by.

I have been blessed this year with such amazing people coming into my life in so many unexpected ways. Visits from dear friends old and new, rediscovering the people we have all become, finding our way. Meeting fellow bloggers in real life, away from keyboards. Reforging friendships, and desperately trying to hold on to the ones I left behind. The world can be a small space if you make nice with distance.

This year I will spend my first Christmas home surrounded by some of my dearest friends and my family. There shall be laughter and love, memories made and remembered. And then I'll be heading back to the City of Angels with Lu for a few days, to try and cram the last 9 months we have been apart into too little time.

I can't think of anything more that I want for Christmas than this.

Wishing you all much love, peace, joy and laughter,


Wednesday, December 20, 2006


I'm not entirely sure what he, my modern day Mr Jekyl was expecting, but it sure as hell wasn't me.

I wonder if he was expecting me to be taller, blonder, more demure? Thinner? Solemner?
But I am not. I am me. Walking out to meet him in boots and a black coat, curly hair untamed.

I cannot be anyone I am not, nor do I want to be. I have shed skins, moved cities and towns, felt heartbreak and joy and all the while struggling to be myself, to feel comfortable in my skin.

He does not laugh, barks at the waiter and barely smiles. Nurses his one beer then excuses himself to go to the loo when the cheque comes. I peel out crisp notes and lay them on the table, wait too long for change.
When he returns, he makes a half hearted attempt to pay and insists on walking me home. I cannot politely decline, he lives 3 buildings away.

I wonder how I got it so wrong, how I read him. He had seemed charming and witty, pursued me for weeks with emails and phone calls until I was intrigued and agreed to meet him one rainy Sunday evening. Whatever he was expecting from me, it wasn't what he got. And that charming witty man he had earlier impersonated was left safely at home.

A few weeks later I see him in my local chemists, rain soaked and tired with a box of Tampax in my one hand and deodorant in the other. We are all human after all.

And I am human enough to duck down the first aisle and hide. Sometimes Vancouver is just too damned small.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


The August doldrums bored me.

"It's never usually like this." my colleague says, and turns her back to me while I try to keep busy and control the urge to spend my paid time daydreaming the hours away, trying to keep within "Internet Workplace Guidelines".

August makes way for September, and still the doldrums. My colleague shrugs her shoulders, I am not used to this tediousness, the listless absent workflow.

I cannot sleep, lay awake starting at the ceiling. Playing chess against the Mac, and still losing every time.

I see the faces of people I love on street corners and in crowds, and shake my thoughts away. These people are all left a million miles away, moving through the streets of London and not with me, on this continent. Amelia says it is subconscious, I see them because I am wanting them to be there beside me.

I move, from The Gorgeous to Amelia's and finally, to my own space. Buy new furniture, unpack books and cutlery and put it away. Feel the sadness erode away at me. Meet Bird who teaches me to look differently, to breathe, to find that focus.

After that, it seems easy. Life moves forward so quickly I am momentarily stunned.

"It's never usually like this." my colleague says in October, as we book flights, turn books and struggle to manage more projects than we can handle, whilst our desks pile high with urgent queries.

"I need to leave at 6 tonight," I say on Mondays and Tuesdays before making my way across town, already exhausted. "I have classes tonight."

And now my head feels as if it will explode, the codes for html and xhtml spill out of the instructor's mouth like marbles and bounce around my brain. I struggle to keep up, my mind focussed on getting me to where I need to be, putting the pieces together little by little into place.

Carefully cutting exposed film into 5 frames and stuffing into pockets. Spending hours in the darkroom, waiting patiently for the Kreonite to spit out images. I feel alive again, my mind works differently. My focus returns, and priorites take shape.

I decided to start fixing what was broken, make sense of that pipe dream which drew me back to start again but somehow I underestimated my emotions and the obstacles which keep side swiping me, force me off my route and into unchartered territory every once in a while.

I believe we are always where we are meant to be, where we need to be creating the most value. It is not the obstacle that we are meant to overcome, it is how we perceive that obstacle, and turn it into something precious.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

i'm with the band

The Block Party was phenomenal, and if you had a chance to swing by the Art Gallery Saturday you were indeed one of the lucky few.

And I promise to regale the story of an interesting and diverse evening out with Mr Hudson and The Library just as soon as I manage to get a few free minutes.