Finding direction

Which for any one who has known me can attest that it is something I lack in quantity. I have always just thrown myself into anything and everything I do with no real sense of what I want to achieve, no road map to keep me going in the right direction. And so I believe this last year has been all about showing me to this place now, a place where I actually am questioning what I want and why I want it. Who my role models are and why. When I go out on a date for the first time with someone new what am I expecting? And what do I want from the relationships I make?
I have had lesson overload of late and am trying to trawl through everything, find the clues that are there and that will be my touchstone for a continuing education.
I'm not entirely sure as to where I should start then, maybe men, romance and internet dating as it seems to be my favourite past time and also the one thing I keep messing up with such grace.

I have been on a lot of dates in the last several months, and I have been extremely lucky with the men I have dated. In truth I have dated more men I have met through the internet than men I have met in the flesh in the last 10 years. Yet it is not information I volunteer wholeheartedly, instead only letting a select few of my colleagues know as there is still somewhat of a social stigma with internet dating. Many of my closest friends would never dream of taking part in it themselves; instead observing my chaotic dating regime from a safe distance as one would a road accident. Which is a pretty fair analogy, really. They're the ones who get the post mortems and who in the case when I fell a little too hard for someone, the ones who wiped away the tears and coaxed me back into the dating game.

A new male friend Kittsy, whom I know only through the fact he is dating my good friend Tiki (and yes, they met online) is of the opinion that internet daters are the dredge of society. However, he for one has found love or at least a sense of happiness with Tiki. And I wouldn't describe either of us as dredge of society, instead disagreeing wholeheartedly with his particular theory. I may be somewhat unlucky in love, but I am most definitely not a dredge. As it is I have dated a doctor, a barrister, a financial analyst, an artist, an oil trader, an award winning art director... All relatively harmless, all successful, charming, witty, and handsome; just not suitable for me. Yet all of them have shown me something new, and helped me little by little regain that ragged self esteem.

I am however ever sceptical about it, yet I can't deny that thrill when I'm in the start of something new, that anticipation, the nerves, the excitement – and I think that's where it all starts to go a bit downhill. Because the real thing never seems to be as good as my imagination and these men are reduced to their simple mortal states. And who can really compete with the vision I have in my mind, the man I have built through images and 4 hour long phone calls - even I have no idea what happens after that.

Despite my jaded cynicism, I can't quite seem to break away from it, where else can you date men you have already vetted for religious beliefs, newspapers and choice of leisure activities? Sounds cold and clinical but I'll be damned if I meet a man I like, only to find out too late that he's a Tory with a guilty pleasure in reading the Daily Mail. Better to save yourself from the heartache and know for sure before you commit yourself to that first date.