Those crazy blues

I shouldn't post when I'm sad.

Or feeling less than 50% because what comes out is not really what I want to read myself, let alone allowing others to read it.

My last post was written when I was feeling less than fine. When I was having one of my crazy blues.

At my lowest point several years back, I sat across from the doctor, shaking. I couldn't see past the next hour. I wanted to curl into a ball and hide. I talked, she prescribed.
3 months waiting list to see a therapist. I would need to attend AA meetings regularly. I would need to take this prescription, the side effects of which would make me anxious, shaky and may disrupt my sleep.

I went to AA, someone talked about being clean, held up a chip. He used to drink his own vomit, it had alcohol in it. I walked out.
Whatever rock bottom was for me, it surely wasn't going to be that.

I never filled the prescription either, I was not going to mask how I felt by numbing myself.
I find it amusing now, as the Doctor flipped through her book of anti-depressants, talked about addiction; subsequently issuing me with an addictive medication.
She acknowledged the symptoms, loss of appetite, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, sleeplessness. Fluoxetine, it seems, has several side effects. Anxiety being key.

At the time I failed to see the irony.

She peered over at me, looking at her watch, dismissing me. I wanted to shout "Help me" but I couldn't find my voice

I quit my job. I joined a gym. The Ex (who was at the time, the Boyfriend) tried. The funny thing is he is a manic depressive, in denial.
(I am sure there is a skit in there, take 2 depressed people, make them fall in love, add an interfering mother in law (his mother) and a small space.
Add alcohol and petty arguments. Sit back and watch the show!)

We spilt up, surprisingly. Whoever was up one day was not going to last the other's down day. I should have spiked his meals.

And I have my ups and downs, I get out of bed and put on a smile. I get through the day. I had a bad week but I'm feeling better today. Already it will be a better week.

I went to a series of lectures on Saturday, met some amazing people and heard some incredible stories. Spent some time with people who are incredibly important to me and cherished my time with them. I'm bored of being tired of being tired.
I want to find my voice again and hopefully get back to amusing anecdotes.

So please, bear with me for a little while longer. I have a few more stories to tell and next time I promise to come back with something amusing.