I haven't felt properly lonely in a very long time, far from it. Even though there are days when I'd rather be wrapped up in the arms of my lover and I sometimes think about that picture perfectness of me and my lover, a bottle of wine and the sunset on Parliament Hill, right now that lover doesn't seem to be in my life.
And I really don't seem to be missing him too much.
I cherish my weekend mornings, my only concern more the fact that I have to leave the comfort of my bed to get the coffee and the papers myself. I cherish the time I have to me, the freedom to see friends at the drop of a hat, to make Saturday night plans at 5pm or 8pm, to lose an entire day reading, to come home after impromptu drinks without having to check in.
I'm exhausted with the game, the whole not getting past the 3rd date stage (which granted is usually a combination of my incredibly high standards and the fact that no man is really that barmy, nor brave enough to continue dating me for long). I'm not interested in half heartedly pursuing, I lack the energy, the enthusiasm or the will. There was someone last May whom I started down a strange path of random and inappropriate snogging (managing, however, to collate some decent blogging material about it which will eventually find its way here) but in the end, it was never going to be much more than that.
His new girlfriend closed that deal a few weeks back, leaving me with my battered pride and a lesson hard learned.
The Swiss alluded that I had taken myself out of the game the other day, and perhaps I have. He asked when the last time I had gone up to a man in a bar, started a conversation, or tendered for a date and I really don't know. I cannot recall when the last time I met, or even saw someone, I fancied really taking a chance on outside of my current situation.
I know in my heart that it's not worth dating someone you know to be a dead end, hence my last 1 hr 20 minute date on the weekend. It's a vicious circle but I know I'm not prepared to go those 8 rounds to end up back on the floor again.
But in that same breath, how are you to know whether you're wasting your time unless you do get yourself out there, turn on the sass, and date again?
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
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5 comments:
If I knew THAT?
I'd tell you.
I am in a similar situation, kind of the standing-at-the-bottom-of-the-hill-with-an-overwhelming-temptation-not-to-bother-starting-the-climb-but-instead-just-going-to-the-pub syndrome.
It just feels like too much effort and not enough reward.
I'm right there with you.
Ooooh! Yes.
I'd much rather go to the pub and drink with my lovely gorgeous friends, when you already know you're going to have a good time and a good laugh than waste valuable precious drinking socialising time, either attempting to chat up someone you won't remember, or being on a date bored to tears by DIY...
There's being alone and being lonely.
If I had a nickel for every time I asked myself that question.. girl... I wouldn't need to work. I'm in a casual situation w/ 2 guys right now.. neither of them wanting anything 'serious'.. and I'm ok with it.. for now. That's what I'm trying to figure out knowing it'd be so nice to have someone to brush your teeth with at night.. someone who cares whether you call or check in or not.. rather than the kitty sleeping on the bed.. I don't know. I still wonder if I'm wasting time, but I tell you, the lovin' is good. ;)
I have just started reading your posts. And have found them very comforting and funny. You seem to have a history of counelling and serious depression? Are hard city to live in with those kinds of real dramas... I am just about to read your archives to get toknow you better but we sound similar. I am also a Capricorn singleton living in London, not origionally from here. Can I ask are you in your twenties? Where are you from origionally...I am in the process of purging my weekly happenings. So hopefully we can share our experiences. Your north london man did sound familiar to me!!!
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