Richard

I took a call yesterday from one of my dearest friend's sister.

I think I knew, as soon as I heard her voice but somehow her words and my brain got all muddled up and it was only the choke in her voice that made me realise it was true.

And, I, on the other line couldn't say anything, I could just hold the phone so tightly in my hand that I thought it would break before I felt anything but an icy cold numbness. My heart stopped for a moment. I didn't breathe, I couldn't. I stood there shaking, holding the phone and wanting her words to stop coming.

There is no way to prepare for grief. There is no way to prepare for something you knew was coming but you weren't expecting on a cold Thursday afternoon. There were another 5 years at least for him, another 5 years for my beautiful friend to hold onto her soulmate. There were supposed to be more days, more years, more memories, more laughter.

Not this.

Sobbing in the 4th floor toilets as if my heart would break. I haven't cried for months, not like this. And I can't differentiate my grief, but what does it matter.

She has no regrets, my friend. She knew she was on borrowed time with him, her love. She says she thought they had more time. But she spent every day with him as if it were their last, there was never a day when they didn't laugh, never a day when she didn't tell him how much she loved him.

And Sunday I'll fly to Edinburgh, and on Monday we will all celebrate the life of an amazing man and I will read a poem and remember him. Give thanks to someone who brought love, and joy to one of my dearest friends.