Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The Good Ship Lollipop

I have a Christmas karaoke party to go to tonight.

And I have a cold.

The two, I might add, are not symbiotic and now I am cranky.

Yesterday I was curled up in bed, warm in my flannel pyjamas and cashmere socks, dosed up with vitamin c, organic lemon, honey and echinacea, peppermint oil on my temples, and extracts of rosemary, cypress, lavender and geranium on my sinuses, smug in my holistic approach to the common cold.

Today, with my nose still running, throat still sore, head feeling like overcooked mashed potatoes and being up and about at work, I cracked, made my way to the pharmacy and reverted to hard drugs.
I am pathetic with a cold and this is no time to coddle, it is the Christmas party season, people!

There are parties to be at, to woo, to shine, to sparkle, to flirt outrageously and inappropriately. There is no time for illness.

And as it is, I have a mortal fear of singing in public. I was cursed, you see, at the tender age of 16. At my very first pantomime audition.

I arrived, all curly haired and fresh faced with head shot and resume, my monologues perfected, my nervous parents standing guard. The director dismissed my pieces, looked over his half moon spectacles at me, and barked

"Can you sing? Sing!"

And me, nervous and ill prepared as I had most definitely not prepared a song, as no one had told me I would have to SING, nor did I know the words to anything, burst into a rousing, impromptu rendition, complete with jazz hands, coy smile and dance routine of " On the Good Ship Lollipop".

Trouble was, I forgot the words half way and my brain, struggling to keep up with the very quickly unravelling of my dignity somehow confused the lyrics of "On the Good Ship Lollipop" with the lyrics from "Great Balls of Fire."

I sang my little heart out, I danced, I made up lyrics and all the while that greying head of the director nodded, smirked and as I left the room, dejected and humiliated, the man giggled.

Giggled.

I didn't get the part, I am sure you gathered by now.

I refused to sing in public again, happily miming even "Happy Birthday", somehow even during my few short weeks as world's worst waitress when we were all to sing the dumbest of all dumb songs to our customers on their birthdays, I managed to get away with just moving my lips.

And then my 21st birthday. In the Blarney Stone, and me resplendent in a fabulous new outfit, several tequila shots worse for wear, on stage. With the band.
Singing the chorus to "Wasn’t that a Party."

Well. Shouting apparently. Wasn't that a party, alright...

And right as I hit my stride, hit the right note and let myself go

"Tell me, me, oh me... oh my..." I took a step forward.

And promptly fell off stage.

I still have the scar to prove it.

10 comments:

Cathy said...

Oh dear; load up on Christmas tangerines to get rid of the nasty cold and then get out there and Christmas smooze and party till you drop!
I didn't realise you are Canadian (?) Very glad to know that your family will not be voting for the Conservatives. Every vote counts.

lady miss marquise said...

Yes, I'm Canadian in the fact I was born there (Calgary, hance the cowby thing), my parents are Welsh but now live in Vancouver and I live in London, I have a British passport and by all accounts and purposes consider myself to be a Londoner.

With a strange ecletic mix of an accent...

... and I have never in my life ever said "aboot" .

miss goLondon said...

Vodka kills colds, especially when mixed with OJ. Well known fact.
Goodness, December did suddenly descend on us didn't it!

Of the million talents i dont have, like you, singing is one. Good luck, and when in doubt, ham it up and make it even worse. i do that with dancing. get better, but even more important have fun (any inappropriate snogging poss?)

x said...

i'm sorry but i was laughing all the way down to your last sentence.
By the way, karaoke is one of the most frightening things one could ask of me.
Have fun and get well soon.
x

Miss Devylish said...

I have one word for you, tho I hope for your sake they sell it there: Airborne.. it's awesome! Created by a teacher cuz she was tired of getting all her students' illnesses. It's like alka seltzer but it tastes good.. AND in a pinch, if you have alka seltzer liqui-gels.. those work as well to clear your head.. tho you might be pretty high for a while.. but hey.. able to breathe AND fun?? Who could ask for more??

If you need a suggestion.. maybe Fiona Apple or Pat Benetar would be some good karaoke options.. nothing says Christmas like Pat Benetar. ;)

anywherebutTX said...

And I thought I was the worst Red Robin waitress ever... No matter how uch I loathe my job now, it will never be as bad as "The Robin".

lady miss marquise said...

Oh yes. The days of Red Robin.

*shudders*

I still have nightmares...

Zoozan said...

aaagghh, I have to sing at my friend's birthday tomorrow. But I will have the company of 4 other women.

Have you ever read http://datingsexandthesinglemom.blogspot.com/

dating sex and the single mom

wierd, when I just looked at the url, I read dating sex and the singed lemon

fb said...

'More Than This' - Bill Murray - 'Lost in Translation'

I've only been to Karaoke once and that was in Tokyo and I was very drunk...

So what did you sing?

lady miss marquise said...

*blushes*

I got a bit carried away...

I panicked, got sweaty palms every time the microphone got near me.

Watched and laughed at my colleagues.

Had several double vodkas.

Decided to conquer my fear.

To "Do you really want to hurt me?"

Oh yes yessity yes.