"Well, the thing is..." I began, toying with the stem of my glass.
It had been a perfect evening.
He was charming. And sexy. With just a touch of the Clive Owen about him.
I was smitten.
I couldn't take my eyes off him.
I couldn't remember the last time I had felt like this, at ease with someone new. Had never been on a date with a man who understood me when I spoke about mystic law and reiki, and understood my angle. We talked, of Ogmore where he grew up, of snowboarding and writing and the complexities of friendships, love and flatmates and then, a bottle of wine and it was closing time.
"You see..."
I couldn't quite get the words out. I wish I'd met him 2 years or 2 months ago, had swept away every man from then and now to this one. Had the time to spend a few more nights, a day, a month in his company.
But there was never that time, just the plain realisation that the entire evening had been built on a promise that I was about to break. And so I told him; that I was leaving, that I had tried to tell him but couldn't, didn't have the courage to tell him I would be gone in a few short weeks because damn it...
I had wanted him.
So the next day, kicking myself I apologised for my lack of judgement and the next day he emails me back wishing me all the best and thanking me for my moment of clarity.
Not condescending. Just honest. Final. He won't be meeting me again.
And I understand why. Not because I'm leaving, and not because I'm not available but that I stretched reality a bit to breaking point.
And Saturday night over drinks and the post mortem, Theo looks at me.
"Surely he was perfect because you were leaving, surely he was all that you ever wanted in a partner because you want something to hold you back?"
So yes, as simple as that. A lesson well learned. I stop kicking myself.
I think.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
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4 comments:
I don't clearly understand why you are leaving? It must be hard to leave London.... I can't imagine. But your friend might be right, I know that I always want the things I can't have... It just makes them so appealing.
oh really? noooo!
it's like when you are going to have your hair cut and a few hours before you go to the hairdresser's it looks totally gorgeous. But you have made the appointment and you must go. Because if you don't, the next day is going to be a really bad hair day.
But i extended the metaphor too much :)
xx
i had a torrid affair with "such a fab guy" for the last 4 months of living in the states. yep, the night of the first date, i had to say, guess what good news i had...i am leaving for london in 4 months. we talked it over and both decided to go with it and have fun. we did, and met up in miami 4 months after i moved...and that was disaster. too much trying to get over each other, and self-protecting. one wonders if we treated normal situations with the barriers-downess of a "fling", what would happen?
All I will advise you is probably something you already know.. 'what if's' will drive you crazy.. no looking back now girl, you're headed to a new beginning, new friends (not just moi), new lots of things.. there's hopefully some solace in that for you. If we could only lead 3 lives at a time..
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