There comes a time when you look across and see a friend, who has seen you through the worst, who has held your hand, helped you to your feet and kept you there, has pulled you out of scrapes, stood beside you when you fought your demons, whose laughter made you smile and safe, who's turned to you at breaking point, held onto you, and held you back. Who has turned and pushed and pulled at you with words and wine fuelled rants, red with jealousy, bitterness and unhappiness lashed out with criticism and wry remarks, hit you so hard and so often the words fly off you; that you need to remind yourself that it never was you.
That all this hate and all this anger was always there, a virus riding bareback.
Once, sitting beside a friend, felt that rage barely in check, and knew it wasn't mine, wasn't for me.
And so I drew back, slipped away little by little and distanced myself. Gradually cut ties and in doing so, turned encouragement to anger and disdain, became accountable for all that she held dear but could no longer hold.
Maybe I should have been more cautious, more truthful. Maybe I was intimidated by her lashing tongue, cruelty on the back of venomous words. I thought it may be better to walk away, little by little, instead of letting go in a big finale.
I think the greatest lesson I ever learned was to never take it personally, we are drawn to those we need to benefit from and in these friends throughout the years, I learned more than how to pick myself up again but also to know when to say goodbye, when to know it wasn't me and when to stop taking responsibility for anyone's actions but my own.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
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7 comments:
I've been on both sides.. tho the most recent last year I was cut off w/ no explanation and no chance to make it better. However, I do understand we have to do what's right for ourselves.. and I've taken stock a time or three myself and just couldn't have certain individuals there any longer. Too much work, too much about them was selfish and self-serving.. never an equal share in the friendship and too much judgement back at me. Life is too short to not know when to say when.. Sorry babe.. I'm sure this was tough for you. Sending hugs.
xoxox
I've been there too, I was gutted. But you just have to feel, if they don't come back eventually then they aren't that good friends. It's devastating, like a break up, but you'll get through it.
Thank you ladies. Funnily enough it's taken me a very long time to write this post, as I was never sure if I should or not.
I still wonder how she does, as she is still in my heart, but you do have to decide when it's enough, and when to start ensuring that the people in your life are the ones that are golden.
My sister once cut me out several years back when I was going through my angry period, but I'm a very blessed person as I have such an amazing network of beautiful people around me now. And my sister and I managed to get through it, and become much closer.
Life is far too short to not be able to make the most of time...
x
It's an old cliche, but sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind. And that does work both ways.
Beautifully written, and thanks for checking out and commenting on my Short Short Fiction blog!
"we are drawn to those we need to benefit from"
isn't that a little bit selfish...shouldn't friendship, hopefully be like love, meaning a little more 2-way and with conditions.
Or maybe I just would wish it were so?
I can see both sides of this tale but sadly it happens all too often these days but what strikes me the most is that firstly it appears that you used this person for your own gain and secondly that you appear to have shown little or no respect for another human someone you called a friend by taking away a friendship without even discussing it with that person - do you not wonder whether you should take responsibility for some part of it?
Indiana - My philosophy is that life is a 2 way street. We benefit from everyone we meet if we take the time to learn and to gain value from each other.
If we need to learn lessons, that person appears. I'd like to think that my friends gain value from me, and that the people I meet are able to take something with them; whether it's a smile or a laugh or some wisdom. My friends are the most important and precious things in my life, which is why when they turn on you it's painful.
Do you not feel that every relationship you have had has left you with something? And you in turn have left something with that other person?
Anonymous - I'd read the post again. The point I am making is that when a friend spends all the time you share criticising you, lashing out at you, you have to wonder at what point do you continue to accept that in your life? At what point do you value yourself, and walk away from someone who goes out of their way to throw barbs and blame on you? Who stops supporting your decisions, purely because they do not agree with you?
Granted, I may have been cowardly in not speaking to that person about it, and perhaps I was not as clear in the post that this was the situation.
And granted you may think that I was selfish. I disagree. I do take some of the blame in not speaking up sooner. However I do not take responsibility for the choices others make in their lives, we all have choices in life. It's how you deal with them that makes you a better person.
I know I didn't deal with this as well as I should have, and I have learned a hard lesson from it. I am sure that in all circumstances there are different sides to the story and that's fine, we will both have differing stories.
I will stand beside friends whatever choices they make - that's not the point. The point is I am not going to stick around to act as a punching bag for someone else. I value myself too much for that.
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