These Crazy Blues ain't no musical

I have been blind sided, did not see it coming. Counting back days to know that this is not just hormonal. That despite my best intentions, my fighting, there are some things I can't control.

I knew it yesterday, felt that sour bitterness, metal in the back of my throat, my stomach bunched in knots so fierce it took me a moment to get up from my desk and try to walk it off. My heart beating against my chest so fast I was dizzy, my hands shaking, struggling to take a breath.

When all I wanted was to rush home and throw the covers over my head and not have to be anyone or anything, if only for a few hours or a few days. That all my careful planning, ignoring every little symptom countless times and carrying on, just to hold it at arms' length for another week, another day so successfuly that I'd convinced myself of its absence from my life.

That when it hits, I am winded by its ferocity, its violent grip on me.

I know that this is only temporary, I am better at reacting. Know the right steps to take, acknowledge and respect these challenges. I am better at talking through them but in the meantime I have lost my words, am left feeling uninspired and overwhelmed. The last few months have taken their toll, have left me with little to draw on.

And so I carry on, try to refocus my energy, continue to look for a challenging new job, traipse through West End flats trying to find my safe space, take each new day individually. Take long walks and deep breaths. Find my place in this city, put down something tangible and real...