Thinking back on this year, it has seemed almost surreal, as if the events around me were happening to someone else and before I could wake up, acknowledge it as my own and give it the respect it deserved, there was always one more thing struggling to take centre stage.
From the move in March, and all the baggage left and acquired, to the men who weaved in and out of my life, from the Irish who broke my heart and le Pompiere who didn't stick around long enough to make a dent, to turning 30, to making new friends and finally seeing through the old, going forward and letting the past lay where it fell, to finally feeling comfortable in my own skin, to natural and human disasters, to health scares and hospital trips, to knowing who I was and finally being proud of that.
The last decade I've watched my own life pass me by, too constrained to reach out and grab what I needed. Too fearful to let go to all that was safe despite its very presence wearing me down. Basing decisions on the happiness of those around me.
So this year I decided to live for myself, finally. Grab hold of all that was out there for me and run with it, stop hiding from fear and live with all my might. Get strong and healthy, mentally, physically and emotionally.
It has seen so many twists and turns, ups and downs that sometimes I haven't been able to see straight. It has been an exhausting adventure, yet at times so incredibly rewarding. I made determinations last year, and I believe I have remained true (well, besides that whole running scenario which didn't quite pan out, but a massive thank you to the Swiss for all the support and training. Maybe next year. Umm...)
I've been stronger than I ever have been this year, walked away from relationships I knew weren't right, even though my body rebelled against the loss of the warm body in my bed. Lust can be a dangerous emotion, lust for an Irish writer with a weakness for whisky and women can be fatal.
Stood up for what I believed in, and stayed close to those who ensured I was moving in the right direction. Kept going when all I wanted was to hide under the covers and not come out until it was sunny again. Squared up to my childhood demons and challenged myself emotionally, spiritually and physically. Found my voice. Got noticed and published, once, twice, three times. Cried so hard I thought I'd never stop (just the once or twice mind you) and laughed so hard my sides ached countless times. Learnt to make paella, chocolate and ginger torte and not take it personally.
Lost my words and rediscovered them, better this time.
So this New Year, I shall be shivering in Stockholm with the lovely Lulu and friends, raising a toast to 2005 and to all the good fortune 2006 will bring us all.
May infinite joy find you this year... I for one will be welcoming it.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
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7 comments:
It sounds like you had a fabulous year. Some of us should take a page from your book in 2006... Have fun in Stockholm!
this blog post is brilliantly written; it has been fun watching your style develop from really good to bril. happy new year, and keep writing, you deserve to be published more! x miss gl
Have fun in Stockholm. It must be great at this time of year.
And the Happiest New Year to you. One of many. xxxx
Have a great night in Stockholm and thank you for sharing with us your year.
Don't be too hasty in letting old friends go, they were obviously important to you at some point in your life - you'd do well to remember that.
M - I just love reading what you write. Maybe because you’re the one I can laugh with when we're really really hung over eating junk food, watching bad video #4, or because you’re the one who would always be game for the next new martini I would make up at 3:00am.
Or maybe because you're brilliant and I have great taste!
Go with #3.
Very profound prose on 2005 sis, I empathize, I relate and I'm inspired. Go get'em Girl. Can't wait to see what 06 has in store for us.
Miss ya.
Cheers, Keith.
Lovely lovely post. I couldn't have said it better myself sweetie.. I basically went thru the same things and was wondering today if other people's lives feel so crazy like mine does. Like there's always something to learn from, always something to get over, always something you're searching for. I keep telling myself nothing is constant except change and my favorite - if it was easy, you wouldn't learn anything.. and that sometimes keeps me going cuz I know there's always something positive in the negative and I've learned so much about life and myself and I'm changing what I can for the better.. it's a good feeling.
I'm glad Sweden was good to you.. and looking forward to the next post when I can read all about it. Take care of that ankle! If they have it there - arnica gel works wonders for sprains! Seriously! :)
mwah!
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